Paul Cheng asked:


Introduction: Getting citizenship can be very hard in the United States. Some people wait in line for over 5 years hoping for their green cards. The American dream is much quicker for those that marry a United States citizen. But what happens to a person that marries the wrong person (i.e. abusive individual) and want to get a divorce? Are they barred from getting their greencard and citizenship?

Question: Dear Mr. Cheng, I am scared. I thought I was in love when I met my husband in Hunan Province. He was so nice to me. Our marriage was so beautiful.

But right after the marriage he began screaming at me. If he was not happy with my cooking he would throw it on the ground. If he thought that I was treating his two children poorly he would hit the wall next to my face. I knew that being married to a white person would be different but this is not what I want.

I want to get a divorce. He told me that if I want to get a divorce he will report me for marriage fraud and I will lose my status here in the US. Is that true?! I need to bring my parents but I do not want to die. What do I do? LingLing - Los Angeles

Answer: LingLing, I am sorry that your American dream has become a nightmare. So many Asian women are facing this issue. Thank you for writing to me. We, as well as so many Asian-Americans, support in your decision.

Typical ways that Abusers abuse immigrants are by:

1) Isolation: The abuser will isolate the immigrant from friends, family or anyone who speaks her language. The abuser will not allow the immigrant to learn English;

2) Economic Abuse: The abuser will threaten to report the immigrant if she works at a job that pays cash only. He may not let her get job training or schooling;

3) Sexual Abuse: The abuser may call her a prostitute or “mail order bride.”

4) Emotional Abuse: He may write her family lies about her so that they believe she is lucky to have such an understanding spouse;

5) Intimidation: The abuser may hide or destroy important papers related to her immigration status;

6) Using Citizenship or Residency Privilege: The abuser may fail to file papers to legalize the immigrant’s status or withdraw or threaten to withdraw papers filed for her residency;

7) Using Children: Threaten to take her children away from the immigrant or threaten to report her children to Immigration; and

Threats: Threatening to report her to Immigration to get her deported.

Your case is very typical of an abusive relationship. The next time your husband begins abusing you, you have to call the police. You not only need to call them but you have to give a detailed account about what is going on. It is my suggestion that at least 2 calls to the police are needed before you leave your spouse.

Obviously, if safety is an issue you might not even be able to make one report. Just leave.

The general rule is that Immigration requires that you remain married for two years before they lift the conditional status. A Conditional Greencard is what is given to those that marry a United States Citizen, otherwise known as an “USC.”

Those that get divorced before the two year time limit can be rejected based on a presumption of fraud.

One exception to the requirement of remaining married for 2 years is abuse. The exact rule is that you must show that your married ended within the past 2 years based on battery or some other extreme cruelty.

However, how can one prove abuse if you do not make any reports of the abuse? Hence, I suggest calling the police.

Another way to prove abuse is begin telling trusted people of the situation. Should your current husband refuse to go with you to lift the conditional status at the end of 2 years it always helps to have others, in addition to the police reports, to corroborate your story.

Lastly, you have to be able to communicate the story to immigration. Obviously, you are very traumatized by what happened. My recommendation is that you keep a diary so that when it is your time to tell Immigration what happened you can do so specifically and thereby win your case.



Miranda

HANSM asked:


MENTAL ABUSE

Mon baril est éraflé

votre sifflement, cri perçant obstrué-vers le haut

tous mes ventricules sont transpercés

chuchotement au monde

sur la terre résonnante.

Ce citations de réputation est l’opinion générale du public vers une personne, d’un groupe de personnes, ou d’une organisation. C’est un facteur important dans beaucoup de domaines, tels que des affaires, communautés en ligne ou statut social. C’est l’opinion, la supposition ou la vue d’un au sujet de quelque chose, l’évaluation commune ou générale d’une personne en ce qui concerne le caractère ou d’autres qualités, l’évaluation ou l’estime relative dans lesquelles une personne est tenue, l’honneur ou le crédit d’une personne particulière, le bon rapport nommé et bon à un, ou la renommée en général.

Mental Abuse information’s –

Mental abuse (which includes emotional, psychological and verbal abuse) in any kind of relationship is a serious problem. Isolating a partner from friends & family & controlling finances are abusive behaviours too; it is not about respect and love.

Mental abuse is the umbrella or cornerstone of all types of abuse, including physical and sexual abuse. Just what is mental abuse? It is the ongoing emotional environment created by your abuser for the purposes of control. It’s sort of like a search and destroy mission. In this war, the abuser plays on your self-esteem, your individual self, your energy, your ability to feel and question and want and need and be…. as the enemy.

Your ability to be separate from your partner - an alive and thinking human being - is what your abuser most fears. At least, that’s what it feels like to your abuser. Unable to tolerate you as you are - your abuser sets out to create an artificial self that he/she is then able to mould.

Both men and women in relationships, families and social circumstances can inflict mental abuse.

Stereotyped beliefs, myths and behaviour about roles for women and men in families, relationships and social environments, and about what true love is, are often at the root of mental abusive behaviour. Women in our culture are often socialized to be accommodating, to believe that it is their job to care for others at their own expense and to please men. Men are often socialized to believe that it is their job to protect women, to be in control at all times and to “call the shots.” However often it is the reversal of these roles, which can also cause mental abuse to be present for male survivors.

Many young women and men believe that they must be in a relationship to be whole. They believe that they should devote themselves totally to their partner, often to the exclusion of other relationships and interests. Jealousy, possessiveness and sometimes abuse, is seen as a sign of true love. Believing that any relationship—even an abusive one—is better than no relationship at all, leaves individuals without the support that they need to leave an unhealthy relationship.

Remember, mental abuse escalates. Mental abuse can and sometimes does, turn physical.

Fear and seeking help –

All types of abuse leave you frightened. The fear may not be limited to a fear for physical safety. The fear can more shapeless. You know you do not feel strong. You do not feel as if you can take risks. You do not even believe it is acceptable to try.

The abuse can start slowly, and perhaps not even feel like abuse - just a simple “it’s all your fault” here and there. Be warned that mental abuse is often the precursor to more.

Unfortunately the classic tale of mental abuse is often followed by physical abuse, and then sexual abuse. And typically the cycle is that the abuser, at some point, apologizes for the abuse. Then comes the honeymoon period during which things are relatively fine - and then the abuse starts all over again.

People who have grown up in abusive homes can easily duplicate those experiences in their adult lives. If you grew up in an abusive family, you know how frightening and hurtful the experience was. Do all you can to protect yourself and your children in the way that your family did not or could not when you were a child? If you were the victim of abuse as a child - you know only too well how much that hurt - you do not have to re-enact your childhood pain in your adult life. You do not have to treat others as you were treated.

Typically abuse, once begun, only escalates. Unless the abuser accepts responsibility for his/her behaviour and seeks professional help - it is quite likely the abuse will continue and worsen.

There is help. There is support. No one deserves to be frightened, terrorized or helped to feel hopeless and helpless about themselves and their lives. The police, support networks and shelters take mental abuse just as seriously as physical abuse.



Vicki