anonymous asked:


ding the conditioning that occurs in abusive relationships is key to one’s survival in, and after, the relationship. Here are three keys to help you see the role and effects of conditioning in abusive relationships.

1) You did not make him/her do it or say it.

You probably know this from the core of your being, but may have trouble believing it with your thinking brain, due to the ongoing conditioning that happens in abusive relationships. With most things in the relationship?when the finger is pointed?it usually lands on the person with the less power.

And when that person owns the fault for whatever transgression is up for consideration, then rewards are bestowed upon them. This is where and how the conditioning occurs. Be mindful of it. And always know you can only be responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and actions; never for someone else’s thoughts, feelings or actions.

2) You don’t deserve to be punished or put in “your” place.

This is another way in which conditioning is accepted as the behavioral norm. While it is true that on some level conditioning occurs in all relationships, “negative reinforcement” conditioning is another story. That’s what we do with criminals when we jail them. They are negatively punished for doing something not acceptable to society at large, or shall I say by the standards of law.

I see so many individuals who truly feel they are in the “dog house” when they have disobeyed the wants and wishes of their abusive partner. You can almost feel their tail between their legs when they talk about it. Pull yourself out of the doghouse. You don’t deserve to be there.

3) You deserve to receive all that he/she demands you give to them.

It might not feel like such when you are enmeshed in an abusive relationship, but it is a fact that your “deserving-less-ness” is all made up. He/she made it up and so did you.

And as with the other standards and beliefs among couples in abusive relationships, your deserving-less-ness is nothing more than another “rule” driven home through conditioning. However, it is a more serious culprit because of its kinship to the power/control entitlement issues central to domestic abuse.

This may be obvious with your appreciation of the “power and control” issues inherent in abusive relationships. But even people who claim to understand this show signs of struggling with their deservingness, their worthiness.

I find that when people pull themselves out of the doghouse, discovering their worthiness follows. Knowing your worthiness and the boundaries of your responsibility to, and for, yourself are important keys to survival in an abusive relationship.



Pauline

anonymous asked:


inking is that domestic violence is a misfortune that befalls the lower class. We hear about them more, we see more of them, we have public services to care for their needs…but that doesn’t make them in the majority when it comes to domestic abuse.

I would venture to say that we are looking at a relative representation of the population; not a socio-economic indicator of domestic abuse.

Would you know a battered queen if you saw one? Moreover, would you recognize yourself as one if that were indeed the case?

Who Are the Battered Queens?

Battered queens come in all shapes and sizes. They can be doctors, lawyers, movie stars, financial experts…. They may be stay at home moms who drive a Mercedes, manage multiple household employees and spend as much on an outfit as most people spend on a season’s wardrobe.

Spending the family money is often their punishment to their abuser for physical battery, assault and spousal emotional abuse. It’s one of their contributions to the cycle of abuse. They love it and they hate it, at the same time.

They are usually in the largest and most tightly sealed closet, and they represent the biggest elephants under the carpet. Why? Because the implications of their “coming out” can be far more deadly than for others who are battered.

They know their financial privilege is part of their problem and realize their abusive partner has an endless army to draw upon to maintain control. Often times, this is the primary reason they stay in the abusive relationship.

The Risk of Leaving an Abusive Relationship for Battered Queens

Their exits pose extreme risks to themselves and to their children because there is much fuel to feed many extensions of the abuser. So on the way out, the abuse canand more often than notmultiply exponentially overnight. Many are buried in, and by, the ordeal.

For some there is an inward comfort in knowing that their abuser is preoccupied with abusing them through the courts, rather than taking matters into the streets. The damage they sustain by virtue of their expensive exit out from the abusive relationship can be equally devastating.

Ray of Hope for Battered Queens

If you are a battered queen, know you are not alone. There are services for you, though they will be diamonds in the rough. Further, know you can use your family privilege to aid in your survival if you play your hand wisely. Lastly don’t give up on yourself or on the possibility of breaking-free with your life, liberties and integrity in tack.



Geoff