Separation After Verbal Abuse?
lesliebedford623 asked:
So…
I told my husband tonight that I wanted to seperate and that I thought it would be best for us if we were apart.Well, at first it went over ok, then **** hit the fan. Needless to say he is not happy about this! He said that I am giving up on him and that he needs my help, and I said that there is nothing for me to do, I have givin him all the help I can, but that the rest is up to him.
The thing is…like I said…I have been with him for 5 years, married almost 3 years. He started anti-depressents about 3 weeks ago, he says they arn’t strong enough, that he needs stronger. (he’s on effexor 70 MG) But, I have been the brunt of his unhappiness. I have been screamed at, have things thrown at me while Im holding the baby, been called names, he’s left all weekend to play “video games” at his friends house, he doesn’t take his pill on the weekend so he can drink, he’s threated to “pound my face into the wall”, “smash the cell phone through my face”, “i’m being a c***!”
Should I leave…? What should I do? I am now starting to feel guilty, like what if I leave and he has a mental breakdown? Please help me.
Greg
So…
I told my husband tonight that I wanted to seperate and that I thought it would be best for us if we were apart.Well, at first it went over ok, then **** hit the fan. Needless to say he is not happy about this! He said that I am giving up on him and that he needs my help, and I said that there is nothing for me to do, I have givin him all the help I can, but that the rest is up to him.
The thing is…like I said…I have been with him for 5 years, married almost 3 years. He started anti-depressents about 3 weeks ago, he says they arn’t strong enough, that he needs stronger. (he’s on effexor 70 MG) But, I have been the brunt of his unhappiness. I have been screamed at, have things thrown at me while Im holding the baby, been called names, he’s left all weekend to play “video games” at his friends house, he doesn’t take his pill on the weekend so he can drink, he’s threated to “pound my face into the wall”, “smash the cell phone through my face”, “i’m being a c***!”
Should I leave…? What should I do? I am now starting to feel guilty, like what if I leave and he has a mental breakdown? Please help me.
Greg
Tags: Mental Breakdown, Unhappiness
June 12th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Miranda
I would get out of that. I definately would not put up with it.
June 14th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
you are being verbally abused and you need to leave him; you and your baby do not deserve to live like this; he is trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty so you will stay; he is trying to make himself look like the victim in this; he is not; don’t fall for his manipulation….it is NOT YOUR FAULT….get out with your baby!
June 17th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Easy answers are not always wrong… but often, the easiest answers are the ones that somehow support our emotional inclinations. If we feel passionately about something or someone, we will immediately prefer the explanation that confirms our feelings. But sometimes we project our opinions on to situations where very different criteria ought to apply. You now feel very sure about something. Think again. Really question your own certainty. If it doesn’t go away, trust it. If it does, revise it.
((((((((((((~*~)))))))))))))
June 19th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Paul
At this point it is not about you or him. You have a baby to consider and he/she comes first. Take your baby and run to someplace safe. If you don’t have relatives to stay with there should be a family shelter in your town or contact local churches to see if they can help.
Good luck to you.
June 20th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Patricia
conseling
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Patricia
When the Physical Abuse intensifys such as the throwing of Objects at you and the baby, the next Move would be to actually hit you both. Get out of this relationship ASAP. Protect yourself and your Child at whatever cost…
June 25th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Bethany
Yes leave him!! you & your child/children dont need that!
wow he has some real issues! don’t keep letting him suck you in saying He needs You!! what he needs is to go and get himself help (councilling) why is he on anti-depressants to begin with? if not its gonna be a cycle!!
June 27th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Jade
its NOT your fault for the way he is and you truly have tried to help. people with those kinds of problems wont see that they are doing anything wrong until they loose you, if they see it at all. what he needs right now is not for you to feel guilty and stay with him becuase its feeding his ego. he wants you to feel guilty so he can continue, but dont. use your head not your heart and see through this and be strong. tell him what you think and that he needs to find a way to fix things becuase you wont come back to him until he is proper with you.
June 29th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Patricia
Leave immediately, it is only a matter of time before the verbal turns into physical.
Unfortunately, I speak from experience. Your baby should not be raised in that environment.
July 1st, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Geoff
sounds like mantipulation. of course they’ll tell you anything to keep you around. they may even be nicer at the beginning, but they never change. best to just divorce him, and have nothing to do with him ever again. thats why abuse is called a pattern or cycle. because the abuser will apologize and promise stuff, and manipulate and make YOU feel guilty. And you fall for it, and end up being abused. get out while you can. DO NOT FEEL guilty, thats his whole plan!
July 5th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Steven
Go what are you waiting for, he will hurt you physically if you don’t leave him now , he is a selfish ba stard . and you are a idiot for staying ,
I am so upset, i can ring your neck for taking all this abuse from an asshole , i don’t care if you are upset with me ,call me what you want , but GET OUT OF THERE, NOW
July 5th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
Harrison
If he’s having these kinds of problems seperation is what you definately need. You still love him and you still want to help him because your obviously a caring person. So take the time to protect yourself and his baby. Suggest he start counciling and that once he’s complete you and the baby will come back home. Help him all you can but don’t put yourself or your child in harms way. If he’s being violent and is having to take medication that obviously isn’t helping he’s got other issues that need to be explored. Agree to go with him when your needed to and tell him your still married and will support him but that you can’t live that way anymore. If he refuses the help then consider getting a divorce. Good luck.
July 7th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Don’t feel guilty! If you have to, see a professional counselor to overcome any guilt you may have. You are not the cause if his unhappiness, and his verbal abuse and threats of physical violence are inexcuseable no matter what the cause. That he goes off of his pills on the weekend so that he can drink only makes it that much more obvious that he is not serious about any type of meaningful change. Throwing things at you while you’re holding the baby? He has no concern for you or his child. Get out of there and divorce him, he’s a powderkeg waiting to blow, and trust me, he will.
July 7th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Pauline
It sounds like maybe leaving is a good way to force him to take responsibility and get some real help and start taking his meds as directed. Dont stay out of guilt….you need to protect yourself and your child. Tell him you arent giving up…youre just giving him space to heal himself and make himself ready to take care of his family like a responsible husband would do.
July 7th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Colin
i am not in the same situation but i know what it is to be in a relationship where the list of things that they have done to you is so bad the question should be duh? but it’s not. Im sorry to tell u i dont really have a concrete answer…make a list of pro’s and cons of leaving…prolly wont help u…if u dont leave what do u gain? lose? and if u do leave what do you gain? lose? thats really all i can tell you, but it sounds like one…he needs xanax not effexor…and 2 he has some deeper issues than depression…maybe some resentment like he blames u for his life’s flaws and shortcomings? It could be a slew of things….if u need to talk im on IM.dont let urself be another statistic
July 9th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Lyle
Been there, here is what helped me:
Dump the guilt; this is about survival. It is your responsibility to take good care of the gift you’ve been given: Your Body, Your Mind, Your Soul, and in your case Your Child.
See this website, cheesy, but has some great information:
July 10th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Patricia
I think I’d leave, his mental problems are not your fault, I don’t think he’s trying very hard to get better or make life easier for you and your baby, he only takes the pills when it suits him, the mental abuse he is putting you through is worse then physical abuse, I know what I’m talking about, do whats right for you and the baby
July 11th, 2009 at 3:37 am
Colin
My Grandmother use to tell me; “Don’t make your problem my problem. What more do you need to know? You done all you can and you shouldn’t have to live like this. Don’t feel guilty, because that is his ammunition, he’ll use it against you. Yelling turns into pushing, pushing turns into a punch a punch leaves you in pain. The signs are there and you know the answer. take that first step and head for the hills. This is not your problem and you owe him nothing. you owe yourself peace and safety.
July 11th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Bruce
definite signs to leave. He is not someone you can help anymore. Mental instability is one of those things that you just cant cure or help him out with whether you were a good wife or a bad wife. I dont think anyone deserves that. Its a sad situation and hard to leave especially when you think of the good days or when you make excuses for him..you cant change him. he has to better himself first. I would leave since this is way different than an argument about things that you CAN change like finances and such…you cant change his state of mind.
July 13th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Craig
You’re going to get the same advice from anyone who answers your question….
Pack your things…and take the baby with you…get somewhere safe where you have people around you and the baby at all times…start court action to make sure he can’t just come and take your baby…he’ll use the baby as a means to get to you…if you can get a judge to stipulate his visitation with the baby is supervised and contingent upon him getting psychiatric assistance and maintain his medication…you might get through this relatively unscathed…
You are in a dangerous position…anti-depressants can sometimes escalate irrational behavior…if he is the type to get angry at the drop of a hat…then it won’t be long before he acts upon the threats and causes physical harm to you…you didn’t specify it but sounds like he may even be a bit bi-polar…
People suffering from depression like your hubby can be very dangerous…they tend to make the newspaper headlines on a frequent basis…they require a lot of counseling to get to a point where they actually understand their illness and can learn to deal with it…even with medications…
July 15th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Pauline
You need to know that you can do it on your own. Women are very strong and you need to know that you are a special person and there is someone out there for you waiting to meet you. No one needs to be abused like that and you are better than that. His problems are his own not yours and until you realize this its going to be difficult to pull away.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Maxine
you need to get out while you still can
July 17th, 2009 at 4:21 am
Lee
LEAVE. he is going to hurt you . take this info by some one who has been there. your child will be better off with out all the abuse. all he wants from you is a crutch. i bet when he is around you do things for him and don’t get any thing in return. all you get is problems. you can go on with your life with out him. don’t expect him to help you with child support. he sounds like he won’t. please leave before you get in serious trouble. i was single after 14 years with abuse. i had three kids. there where times that i didn’t eat for three days just so my kids could get some thing to eat. i didn’t know that i had so many friends. they helped me get threw some of the worst times. even my kids friends family helped me out. so you see you can make it with out him. leave his sorry a….s
July 19th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Bruce
Sometimes, even if it seems wrong, the best thing that you can do is to leave. I am not encouraging that you divorce this person, I am encouraging you to separate yourself from him, because your life is not in balance at all. Please decide for yourself whether or not you can commit to being with him for life, through better or worse-because right now you are definitely experiencing “worse”. His behavior towards you is not right, he should not treat you like that, and you do not have to take it. But, before you call it quits on the marriage, ask yourself this question: If he gets the help he needs, real help, and does heal and change, would you stay with him? He is an abuser, but I have seen and witnessed abusers get help, and change. I have witnessed marriages and families heal from the very thing you describe. Of course, it is still all on him-you can’t fix the situation. You can only support him while he is in therapy-maybe even committed. Maybe a total mental breakdown is what he needs to happen, I know how that sounds, but sometimes, rock bottom is what it takes. Just be sure that you are SAFE. I still encourage you to get in touch with your local domestic violence services if you have not already done so. And whatever you are going to do, please do it quickly. If you hang around there, and he continues to dwell on it, you may be in the eye of the storm so to speak. If you are going, get out. You can figure out if divorce is necessary after you are out, but your safety and that of your child is the most immediate consideration.
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Lee
You are doing the right thing. He is threatening to do things to you and he’s thrown things at you while your holding the baby…. It is not about you and him anymore. You have to think about your child and the child’s safety, as well as yours..
It sounds like he’s not really serious about getting better, if he doesn’t take his pill so he can drink… So, don’t let him make you feel guilty about anything.. It’s the worse thing you can do… Men who are verbal & Physically abusive always try to find ways and say things to make the victim feel guilty, so many of them stay, but then the situation only gets worse….
(I know, I have experienced it) Please make a better life for you and your child….
You need to be treated with respect and love.. Eventually in life you will find that special someone. Don’t settle for any less then what you deserve….
Good Luck and God Bless!
July 24th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Maxine
I’m currently on an antidepressant, and I have had experience with a few of them over the last 25 years. Normally, I take the medication for a couple of months and then I’m OK to be off of it for several months before my depression comes back.
What I would like to stress is that if his medication is not “strong enough” then he needs to make a follow up visit to the doctor to get the dosage adjusted. Medications almost always come in a range of recommended doses.
Check out this information:
“It should be noted that, while the maximum recommended dose for moderately depressed outpatients is also 225 mg/day for Effexor, more severely depressed inpatients in one study of the development program for that product responded to a mean dose of 350 mg/day (range of 150 to 375 mg/day). “
July 26th, 2009 at 1:43 am
Steve
get away from him NOW. i speak from experience,with a partner i put up with for 5 years ofphysical and mental abuse. they use every excuse they can, from a bad childhood, to blaming you for what ever they are suffering from. most of the time, its not anti-depresants that they need, its councilling, and even councilling is a long shot. its easier for them just to keep popping pills for depression, instead of getting down to the real reasons for their bad tempers and insecurities. please listen to what i now say… people like this, NEVER EVER CHANGE!! it will only get worse, and his next step will be physical abuse, belive me. i never had young children at the time(thank god) but if he can threaten you while you have yours in your arms, then that has to tell you something at least. you have your childs welfare to think of as well as your own, so that should give you more reason to leave. if he says that it will never happen again, or says that he needs you there cus of his depression, dont fall for it please, this is just emotionall blackmail to get you to stay. dont you dare feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about. put it this way, would you feel more guilty if your child got hurt in the cross fire?then there is your answer. if you need someone to talk to, you can always e.mail me. make your dicission now, and get out, before its too late.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Steven
What is he depressed about anyway?..that he hasn’t kill you yet. It is time that you move on now, when the man you love, and the father of your child, is suppose to protect you is wanting to pound your face into the wall, breaking phones what next the BABY, maybe YOU, that he will be breaking. This man is mental and you can no longer help him.. it is up to him to resume the responsibility for his actions. Your child needs protection so do you, and you need to leave before someone gets hurt in the worst kind of way. Dear heart I feel you are in danger with your child living with a time bomb waiting to explored at anytime, so it is in your rights as a parent to protect your child as well as yourself. Let him fix him.. it is not up to you anymore, once he cross the line with violence, and threats you now owe him.. NOTHING. Good Luck…And Get….OUT.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Jamie
Don’t feel guilty. You don’t deserve this and as you’ve said, you’ve done all you can. Get out, save yourself and the child. If he can turn it around later and make things work, great, but for now you don’t want to be around when he snaps and injures/kills. Get out. Get help. Find an organization that helps battered women, because you are one.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Louise
You need to leave but be in a safe place. Dont know if your family is around, but you need to move in with family.
You need to call a lawyer - most will do free consulations so you can get some good solid advice.
Restraining order is needed.
Understand, it does take time for meds to work and to get the right dose. He does need counseling and maybe not on an outpatient basis. But if he doesnt do it for himself, you can not do it for him.
July 30th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Lee
Listen babydoll,you don’t need to take that kind of abuse from anybody.The guy to me sounds like he needs some serious help that u can’t give him.You seriously need to get out and find somebody that’ll take care of u and your baby.If he refuses to get help then it’s not worht it.There are better people out there.
July 31st, 2009 at 12:21 pm
gwyneth
you should leave and not look back, abuse is any form is unacceptable, no one should be treated the way you are being treated, leave him, divorce him, you can do better, and have a better life,don’t wait he may hurt you even worse