Is abuse — physical or psychological — ever “deserved”?
Gina asked:
I am friends with a married couple. The husband is physically and mentally abusive — I have witnessed the terrible verbal abuse, and I know he has been arrested for domestic violence, and has even broken bones.
I am friends with a married couple. The husband is physically and mentally abusive — I have witnessed the terrible verbal abuse, and I know he has been arrested for domestic violence, and has even broken bones.
But if you sit down and talk to him, he makes it seem like it’s his wife’s fault. He says, “I may be mean to her, but I have a reason. She treats me so horribly — she is so mean to me — for no reason.” Even though I hate myself for it, and I feel as if I am being manipulated, I feel like maybe she makes his life miserable for him and he is just retaliating.
Is there ANY way she deserves his treatment of her — is it really, as he says, a two-way street?
Kerri
Tags: Bones, Verbal Abuse
April 24th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Lyle
any man who beats a woman should be shot
April 25th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Miranda
No one deserves it. But if she continues to stay with him without leaving him, then maybe she likes it.
April 28th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Steven
NOOOOOO! There is never a reason for abuse, and you know what, that applies for girls who put down their men. Both ways it’s wrong.
May 1st, 2009 at 3:58 am
Colin
Abuse is never ok.
May 4th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Kohan
Abusers are experts at blaming others. He’s full of BS and she needs to get out. He’s immature and he’s not going to grow up nor is he going to change. She does not deserve this, no one does. Where I live, there is zero tolerance for domestic abuse.
May 6th, 2009 at 12:29 am
gwyneth
First things first, My brother always told me “Never hit a man like a man unless you yourself want to be hit like a man” basically the golden rule do unto others you would want for yourself.
Second when a person does something wrong they find EVERY way possible to justify it to ease the guilt. They get very convincing to even the people their hurting. If she was soo terrible then why stay with her other than to abuse her. If she’s so bad then he should just leave her not treat her like crap.
May 8th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Jamie
forget such people and keep away yourself from them
its dark only
May 11th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Maxine
You’re right…you are being manipulated. Common sense says that if he,or she is so miserable that the result is physical and verbal abuse, the way to stop it is leave. Obviously, they like living that way. Don’t get sucked into their melodrama.
May 12th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Brian
No matter what someone does or says, there is no way abuse is ever deserved. If this husband really hates his wife he should leave her or whatever. Abusers are manipulaters in all ways. He is manipulating you. He wants more people on his side so he can feel better about what he does. Basically put yourself in her shoes. I don’t know if you are married but assume that you did something horrible you husband didn’t like. Would you feel like you deserved getting abused. She also probably feels like she deserves the abuse because it is what he told her. But she doesn’t and you have to be there for her if you can. I am a psychology student and a counselor to be, so I hope this all makes sense to you.
May 16th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Craig
One of my best male friends once said “I do not ever support wife beating; however, I sometimes understand it.” Just because someone is a manipulative wench does not mean they should be beat up for it. Wouldn’t it be easier to just leave the person that it making you life so miserable that you have to physically hurt them? I think he has problems and needs to justify his actions by claiming she “deserved it”
May 16th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Patrick
No abusive language & physical violence should be there at all. Medical check up of both, proper treatments & counselling are needed. When people are not religious & spiritual, possibility of such behaviours is high. Being God fearing is a must. No woman deserves this. Women must be handled very carefully as they’re more emotional & are shattered in many respects much faster resulting so many permanent damages in the body & soul.
May 17th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
You are being manipulated.
There is NO NO NO excuse for physical abuse. When you truly love/care for someone, you would never harm them in any way, let alone feel they deserve it. If she was really that awful, then he could leave. These are not children, this is a mature adult married couple - so this is not just retaliation. This is a major issue.
I believe that there is always two sides to a story and I do not know these individuals however, having studied years of psychology, his behavior is abnormal and WRONG. The better option for him would be communicating his feelings to his wife, like he had confided in you.
You described the husband as physically and mentally ABUSIVE. When have you ever heard of abuse being okay? With abuse, there is an aggressor and a victim.
Honestly, I would stay away from this man. A common characteristic of abusers is to gain support from others by manipulating facts and making the victim appear at fault. This makes him appear to be the victim and allows him to justify his unacceptable behaviors. He is trying to pull you to his side. Not a good fella to hang around.
May 20th, 2009 at 1:54 am
Bruce
NO!!! Not ever. She is not staying because she likes it. More than likely she is afraid of him and maybe doesn’t know there is help available to her. Can you talk to her alone? If you can please share this web site with her.
If you are really friends with her let her know that you are there for her and that you will help her if you can. Of course the husband is manipulating you. Most abusers are master manipulators and liars. For her sake I hope she gets the help she needs.
May 20th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Steven
I will tell you that people do find all types of excuses to justify themselves and what they do. Just look at what you find on Q & A if you need proof. Yet it is also equally true that many people like to throw gas on fires then cry when it blows up in their face.
I do not think many things we classify as abuse are actually abuse. If you hit me and I break your nose, you have not been abused. You lost a fight. If a female wants to try to act like a man, then she has no business crying foul when she lands on her butt like a man.
If you continue to bounce checks because you will not pay attention or reconcile your checkbook, then to call you and irresponsible ass is not being abusive. It is being honest. If you keep gaining weight and will not try to correct the problems in an honest manner, then to tell you that your are fat and not trying to loose weight, is again just honest.
I do not condone people beating on their spouses. But I also do not condone a person doing all they can to basically ask for it then trying to claim victiim status. There is a saying. If you kick a sleeping dog and it bites you, you cannot blame the dog.
As to your friends, you nor we have a true idea as to how each of them really act in private. We all like to pick sides but in some cases, we have it all wrong. Many times, the ones we think to be the wonderful and nice person are actually the one who is the most evil.
May 23rd, 2009 at 3:47 am
Kerri
There is no excuse for physically violating someone else.
This man has his wife brainwashed, and now he’s trying to brainwash you with his bullsh*t
May 24th, 2009 at 3:02 am
Miranda
It might be deserved if the victim was a terrible abuser themselves. Karma and all that. That does *not* give the other person a right to abuse them, though.
In any case I think it should be painfully obvious that broken bones is way, way over the line. I don’t care what the woman did (and you don’t say — you don’t even say what he claims she did — I assume he does get more specific?). Oh and on the off chance he isn’t making up stories about her just to make himself look better, I’m sure she has a reason — he just doesn’t perceive it. I sure as hell wouldn’t expect my wife to be lovey-dovey if I’d just finished breaking her bones.
He’s a retaliater who escalates the problem — bad combination. I have no idea what the wife is.
Maybe neither one of them are capable of a decent relationship, or maybe it’s just him, but they don’t need to be together. And he doesn’t need to be with anyone.