anonymous asked:


Where did you get the where-with-all to write your book (All But My Soul) people continue to ask seven years after its publication. This question has been presented to me so many times, I’m compelled to give you the answer in this article.

I didn’t write it; it wrote itself. Now I know that sounds ridiculous on face value, but that’s actually what did indeed happen. Here’s how.

Why I Wrote All But My Soul

First, I’ve known since the 80’s through studying the work of James Pennebaker, Ph.D. that when you write about trauma, it releases from the physiology. And I didn’t want to go to my grave with this drama.

Secondly, my children were being told by their father (and his family) that I abandoned them, yet nothing could be further from the truth. What actually happened is I was abused out of their lives.

And lastly, I had learned so much about domestic violence and the legal abuse syndrome, I wanted to put it out there for the hundreds and thousands of people who are in abusive relationships and those headed toward one.

I wanted to help them see the dynamics of battering relationships and understand how domestic abuse can be transformed into legal domestic abuse. I wanted them to know that if they were encountering family court denying them the right and ability to protect their children and themselves that their case was not an anomaly.

I also wanted them to have information to better protect their children and themselves. I thought that by knowing the common strategies used to railroad domestic violence survivors through the system at the bequest of their perpetrators to silence the abuse, they would have an advantage.

So my intentions where pretty clear but the writing, well that was a different matter. I simply didn’t know where to begin. I thought about it for about two months and wrote nothing more than an outline.

How the Book Was Written

Then one day I had the honor of speaking with Byron Katie after one of her events. I told her that I had been struggling with writing a book. I said, “I need to write this book, and I can’t seem to get it out of me.”

Katie looked at me and said, “No, you don’t have to write that book; the book needs to write itself.”

So, I went home and thought who do I want to hear me speak? I placed pictures of my children around my monitor and every morning upon awakening I went directly to the keyboard. Exactly 100 days from the day I began, I had a 400 plus page first draft of the manuscript (most of which is the final draft).

The Inner Ache to the Outer Release

But I think when people ask me that question, what they really want to know is how did I get around, or over, the anger and anguish to bring pen to paper rather than resorting to the destruction of those that impacted the life of my children and myself? Or, as some do…rather than resorting to the destruction of myself.

Here’s how. Each time I would come to a player in our saga that would make my hair stand on end, I would pull back and run those feelings through The Work until I could go to the keyboard and effortlessly write their chapter.

So for me it was a zigzagging between inner work and outer expression. Compounding this was the way I allowed the material to come to me up from the inner depths of my own quietude. When I’d fatigue from writing, I’d sit in meditation until another block of thought rushed forth running me back to the keyboard.

In many respects the book did write itself, and what I did was get out of the way. My hope for you is if you have a story to tell, you do all that is necessary to allow it to pour out from you to benefit all those who are drawn to it. It has meant so much to me to hear how my writing has impacted women worldwide over the years.



Pauline

anonymous asked:


that when people are told to write as a) a way to keep records of the ongoing abuse episodes and domestic altercations, or b) for the healing effect, they recoil.

If I didn’t know better I’d think they felt as though they were getting an assignment right out of grade school. And since we know the authority issues in their lives make this rather undesirable, it is understandable why one would not want to journal. However…

Here is why this is doing oneself a disservice. If you recoil when given the assignment of journaling, you miss the rapture and healing remedy of writing.

Healing Writing: How and to Whom?

But before I elaborate on what I mean by that, let’s talk for a moment about what kind of writing I’m talking about. It’s effortless. It’s innocent. It’s conversational. It’s spontaneous. It’s authentically fluid and it’s you connecting with your reader.

Now this reader could be your attorney, your partner, your children (for their future) or in the case of your evidence building: yourself.

While it is true that you’re accomplishing something that will serve you in your case and/or in your life, thus you’re being productive, this doesn’t mean it’s “work” or “homework.”

It’s the work of lingering in a space that has a healing effect AND produces a natural elevation of mood and overall well-being. Now there are definite reasons for this. We’ll leave that for another article as it is beyond the scope of my point here.

Healing Writing: On and about What?

Try it for a week or more… Carve out a 20 to 30 minute period in your day and go to your keyboard with the intention of journaling. That is writing what’s up for you in the moment.

For example if your counsel is acting out, on this day you write a letter to your attorney. If something is happening in your life that you want your children to understand in their adult life, you write to them. If you and your partner have had an altercation, you journal this as though you are making a mental note for yourself or for a future court proceeding should you be headed in that direction.

Then there will be days that you go to the keyboard or to your pen and you say to yourself: I have nothing to write about. Oh no, not so! In that moment you go inside and more often than not, something will emerge from within that upsets you, that you long for, that interests you…that is merely on your mind. So on this day you write about that.

You will see over time that there is a pattern to how you experience yourself and your life in general on the days you write as compared to the days that you don’t. Ultimately, you will come to know the rapture and healing effect of writing.

anonymous asked:


Where did you get the where-with-all to write your book (All But My Soul) people continue to ask seven years after its publication. This question has been presented to me so many times, I’m compelled to give you the answer in this article.

I didn’t write it; it wrote itself. Now I know that sounds ridiculous on face value, but that’s actually what did indeed happen. Here’s how.

Why I Wrote All But My Soul

First, I’ve known since the 80’s through studying the work of James Pennebaker, Ph.D. that when you write about trauma, it releases from the physiology. And I didn’t want to go to my grave with this drama.

Secondly, my children were being told by their father (and his family) that I abandoned them, yet nothing could be further from the truth. What actually happened is I was abused out of their lives.

And lastly, I had learned so much about domestic violence and the legal abuse syndrome, I wanted to put it out there for the hundreds and thousands of people who are in abusive relationships and those headed toward one.

I wanted to help them see the dynamics of battering relationships and understand how domestic abuse can be transformed into legal domestic abuse. I wanted them to know that if they were encountering family court denying them the right and ability to protect their children and themselves that their case was not an anomaly.

I also wanted them to have information to better protect their children and themselves. I thought that by knowing the common strategies used to railroad domestic violence survivors through the system at the bequest of their perpetrators to silence the abuse, they would have an advantage.

So my intentions where pretty clear but the writing, well that was a different matter. I simply didn’t know where to begin. I thought about it for about two months and wrote nothing more than an outline.

How the Book Was Written

Then one day I had the honor of speaking with Byron Katie after one of her events. I told her that I had been struggling with writing a book. I said, “I need to write this book, and I can’t seem to get it out of me.”

Katie looked at me and said, “No, you don’t have to write that book; the book needs to write itself.”

So, I went home and thought who do I want to hear me speak? I placed pictures of my children around my monitor and every morning upon awakening I went directly to the keyboard. Exactly 100 days from the day I began, I had a 400 plus page first draft of the manuscript (most of which is the final draft).

The Inner Ache to the Outer Release

But I think when people ask me that question, what they really want to know is how did I get around, or over, the anger and anguish to bring pen to paper rather than resorting to the destruction of those that impacted the life of my children and myself? Or, as some do…rather than resorting to the destruction of myself.

Here’s how. Each time I would come to a player in our saga that would make my hair stand on end, I would pull back and run those feelings through The Work until I could go to the keyboard and effortlessly write their chapter.

So for me it was a zigzagging between inner work and outer expression. Compounding this was the way I allowed the material to come to me up from the inner depths of my own quietude. When I’d fatigue from writing, I’d sit in meditation until another block of thought rushed forth running me back to the keyboard.

In many respects the book did write itself, and what I did was get out of the way. My hope for you is if you have a story to tell, you do all that is necessary to allow it to pour out from you to benefit all those who are drawn to it. It has meant so much to me to hear how my writing has impacted women worldwide over the years.



Kerri

anonymous asked:


Do what you’re called to do and the universe will support you. You’ve probably heard this, but may be scratching your head thinking about your bills, responsibilities and all of the what ifs…

This is understandable. So rather than jump in with blind faith, I want to invite your everyday casual, rational mind to do what you’re called to do. And then, address the missing link domestic abuse survivors commonly bring to the table.

Doing What You’re Called to Do Is Your JOB

When you’re doing what you’re called to do, what happens?

a) You lose yourself in what you’re doing and the activity in many respects does itself. It’s effortless. It’s performed without strain or resistance of any kind.

b) Time stops as you do it and you feel stress-free…at ease, and your performance approximates excellence.

c) Resources show up to support what you’re doing and the continuation of your doing it.

It’s as though the universe wants you to be happy, is looking for excellence, and is willing to support that which makes you fulfilled to also benefit those around you.

Domestic Abuse Survivors Doing What You’re Called to Do

Now to do this that we’re called to do, we must first know what that is and second honor it. This honoring part is what domestic violence survivors often struggle with the most. And this, too, is understandable.

You see when you’re living in an abusive relationship, one of your survival mechanisms is to put forward what your abusive partner needs to hear and see to keep peace in your home.

Thus, life in the abusive relationship is not about supporting and honoring what you love, but rather discrediting what you love and grooming your honoring what your partner loves. In many cases, there is also a sting added to this grooming (conditioning) in which you may even be punished (negatively rewarded for honoring that which you love).

For example, in my own life, I can vividly remember hiding newspaper articles featuring my work, in prestigious publications, under the bed when I lived in an abusive relationship. Why did I do this? I did this to avoid the blowout that would follow my former abusive partner’s discovery of my achievements and recognition by others.

The net result of this is you lose your inclination to honor what you’re called to do and of course with this comes the need to recreate the habit of honoring what you love. As you invite this honoring in, practice it and enjoy it, then doing what you’re called to do becomes effortless, natural and plain good sense for yourself and for all those around you.



Colin

anonymous asked:


ding the conditioning that occurs in abusive relationships is key to one’s survival in, and after, the relationship. Here are three keys to help you see the role and effects of conditioning in abusive relationships.

1) You did not make him/her do it or say it.

You probably know this from the core of your being, but may have trouble believing it with your thinking brain, due to the ongoing conditioning that happens in abusive relationships. With most things in the relationship?when the finger is pointed?it usually lands on the person with the less power.

And when that person owns the fault for whatever transgression is up for consideration, then rewards are bestowed upon them. This is where and how the conditioning occurs. Be mindful of it. And always know you can only be responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and actions; never for someone else’s thoughts, feelings or actions.

2) You don’t deserve to be punished or put in “your” place.

This is another way in which conditioning is accepted as the behavioral norm. While it is true that on some level conditioning occurs in all relationships, “negative reinforcement” conditioning is another story. That’s what we do with criminals when we jail them. They are negatively punished for doing something not acceptable to society at large, or shall I say by the standards of law.

I see so many individuals who truly feel they are in the “dog house” when they have disobeyed the wants and wishes of their abusive partner. You can almost feel their tail between their legs when they talk about it. Pull yourself out of the doghouse. You don’t deserve to be there.

3) You deserve to receive all that he/she demands you give to them.

It might not feel like such when you are enmeshed in an abusive relationship, but it is a fact that your “deserving-less-ness” is all made up. He/she made it up and so did you.

And as with the other standards and beliefs among couples in abusive relationships, your deserving-less-ness is nothing more than another “rule” driven home through conditioning. However, it is a more serious culprit because of its kinship to the power/control entitlement issues central to domestic abuse.

This may be obvious with your appreciation of the “power and control” issues inherent in abusive relationships. But even people who claim to understand this show signs of struggling with their deservingness, their worthiness.

I find that when people pull themselves out of the doghouse, discovering their worthiness follows. Knowing your worthiness and the boundaries of your responsibility to, and for, yourself are important keys to survival in an abusive relationship.



Pauline

anonymous asked:


is part of life. It comes in all shapes and sizes. It’s not what happens to you; it’s what you do about it that matters most.

Battered women also come in all shapes and sizes. And I’m convinced that what they choose to do with their circumstances, after the fact, is far more important to the bigger picture of their lives than anything else.

Here are some things that will increase your well-being after an abusive relationship.

1) Keep yourself in a place of pure positive energy

Certain things we do and think elevate our feelings, our energy state. That is the state at which we vibrate. Please now take a deep cleansing breath and come with me out of the boxing ring of the social legal crime back to your mind, body and soul. Find those activities that elevate your mood and make them a routine activity.

2) Do what you love and the money will follow

While it is true that the financial issues of leaving an abusive relationship are often overwhelming, they’re not insurmountable. Do what is necessary to keep you and your children, (if they are in the picture) comfortable with the basic life essentials. And with whatever time and energy you have left, do what you love. The more you do it, the more time you will have to do it. Over time, “the what you love” can become your primary source of sustenance.

3) Let inner peace be your top priority

If inner peace is your primary priority, then your battles are ultimately over. Why? It takes two to tango. And if you have chosen peace, there is less war. Now don’t take this to mean that you’ll never be attacked or assaulted by another, as you don’t control that. More importantly, I bring your attention to two points: a) you have a choice and b) peace can be yours.

4) Choose to be calm and centered over being right

My comment above, leads right to this one. It’s not about being “right”…it’s about maintaining your inner “rightness.” Let’s face it, you didn’t like it when your whole life was about his/her being right and you being on the other end of that, did you? So rather than change sides simply because you may be able to, or think you “should” (as you have learned that is how those in power do it), choose to be calm and centered over being right.

5) Know that whatever has happened in your life, happened to serve you and those you serve

There are truly no coincidences. Rather than holding on to the misfortune of “it,” look to the possibilities remaining. As you do, you will see how that which happened to you serves youin spite of its inherent sacrificesand ultimately can be put to the benefit of serving others. If you know of my story, you know I’m living proof of this.

6) Make peace with the universe

When we are battered we become conditioned to believe that we are easily taken advantage of, or people simply take advantage of you. Not so! The larger fabric of life is inter-universal-support. Let this become the wallpaper of yours.

7) Indulge in that which gives you a natural high

I think if you do this, all the other things mentioned will find you. And from here, you will increase your well-being following an abusive relationship.



Lyle

anonymous asked:


The value of the diagnostic label has more to do with the way it impacts the person with the condition than anything else.

Can you remember a time in your life when you had a medical condition and you received a diagnosis that immediately lifted the weight off your shoulders and sent you to remedy your condition. My sense is the “propelling one into remedy” can happen no matter what the diagnosis. This is what I call the power of the label.

Before we give a specific condition a name, it is a vague cluster of symptoms that may or may not seem related. In the medical world, one may either self-diagnose or seek professional care to receive or substantiate a diagnosis, and from here obtain a definitive treatment plan.

The Confusion in Self-Diagnosis When Psychological Denial Is Involved

When it comes to psychosocial conditions, diagnosis becomes even more clarifying and ultimately remedy starting, especially for conditions in which the defensive mechanism of denial plays such a large part. Here’s why.

The mechanism that supports the condition is not part of the determination of the condition. Consequently, the process of identification is not as likely to be sabotaged.

For example, as a domestic abuse survivor, we all know the power of rationalization. So let’s say we are looking at a laundry list of symptoms characterizing intimate partner violence. What happens?

We may say, oh yeah this is going on in my relationship and mentally check that item. Then go to the next and again see the second item alive in our relationship. And as each item looks familiar, a little light starts to go off saying I’m in an abusive relationship!

But quickly to the rescue is our psyche defense ready to serve and protect our ego. And it says, well he/she called me a “whore” because he was jealous of my receiving attention at the party last night.

And compounding his jealousy, making it express itself in this way, was his inward vulnerability in the moment…as I know he has been hurting over losing his job. (Look at the exquisite analysis, rationalization and justification in play here.)

The Value in Diagnosing Psychosocial Conditions Objectively

This is a common response to filling out a checklist or reading a laundry list of domestic abuse symptoms. Our defensive mechanisms that serve to protect us and our loved ones will more often than not keep us blind and confused. And of course with this, leaving us without direction for a remedy nor motivation to repair our circumstances.

I can’t stress the importance of putting the natural self-serving defenses to rest when you are seeking to know if you’re in an abusive relationship. Getting a definitive, objective diagnosis can put you in the “stop-guessing” mode and into the “start-treating” mode in moments.



Miranda

anonymous asked:


ore about the “wakeful rest,” asks my proofreader. Well certainly, I think to myself. There is nothing I’d rather talk (write) about more.

What is the wakeful rest? Ahhh, that is the magic…the gold…the sweet spot, wherein the mind and body mend.

But before I lose myself in this discussion, let’s not lose site of your question. How is this relevant to me, as a domestic abuse survivor?

To answer both of these questions, I want you to know had I not been meditating over the years during my own ordeal with family violence and the legal abuse syndrome, I may not have survived, nor would I have thrived as I do today.

If I had the privilege to indulge in only one healing method, what would it be? Unequivocally, it would be the practice of meditation…the road map to the wakeful rest. That is what it would be.

What happens to mind and body during and after wakeful rest?

This discussion is always best as an extension of one’s personal experience simply because it is the application of words onto aspects of experience that are actually beyond words.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t talk and write about it: its mechanics, the process, its short term-effects and most importantly the long-term effects. Its mechanics is a practical training discussion, the process more of an existential-experiential, ethereal conversation, and its effects is a concrete discussion. Let’s begin with the concrete.

In the 70’s I did my doctoral dissertation on the psychophysiology of meditation and its implications for psychotherapy. I was studying at a very traditional school, Northwestern University. And so in order to make my experimental research most meaningful to the academic ivy-league, I decided to use Chicago police officers as my subjects. I thought it would put my hypotheses up to a very rigorous test. Low and behold it did. And our results were statistically significant.

I tell you this story because after the very first meditation, an officer said in awe, “I just had ‘tranquility’ for the first time!”

Since 1982, I have been teaching meditation to people of all walks of life in my clinical bio-behavioral, psychotherapy practice and here’s what I see:

- Symptom Reduction: less pain, reduced tension, decreased anxiety and greater control of panic attacks.

- Improved Physical Functioning: better sleep, less fatigue, more energy and far less reliance on relaxing agents. Increased vitality, energy and stamina.

- Improved Mental Functioning: enhanced clarity of thought, creativity, concentration and more optimistic perspective.

- Enhanced Emotional Comfort: increased self-confidence, greater self-esteem, calmness and well-being…and decreased irritability.

- Better Social Interactions: decreased hostility, greater ease and comfort in social situations, improved communication.

- Behavior and Performance Enhancement: more organized, increased productivity, greater efficiency and enhanced effectiveness.

These are some of the things I witnessed over the years, not to mention the reversal, and in some cases complete resolution, of chronic medical conditions for thousands of people.

In closing, I can say wakeful rest is the “sweet spot,” it’s the healing medium and more. If you are suffering from any physical, emotional, cognitive, social or behavioral condition while in, or after, an abusive relationship, seek to find a way to bring wakeful rest into you life.



Bruce