Jeanne King, Ph.D. asked:


Warning! This article will either turn you upside down or be the angel that keeps you on your feet, or both.Each time I go into a chat room on the Internet, in which the topic is abusive relationships, I hear the question: “My boyfriend pushes me to the wall and braces me there. Is this cause to end it?” “My partner’s verbal and emotional abuse are debilitating and I don’t know how to process it.” “How do you know when it has gone too far?”When you are in this situation, these are the most important questions to your future. Because once answered, you are in control and better able to protect yourself.So how do you know if you are in a dangerous relationship? That’s a common question and surprisingly a question that 90% of all people in audiences that I address have no answer for.Think about it, where in life do you get lessons on what is intimate partner violence? Unfortunately, most people who know what it is have learned the hard way. You can learn the easier way. You can be informed: what is the abuse dynamic and what are your options, while you still have them.Now once we ask the question, then there is the ramification of considering it and, of course, the implications of the answer-none of which most people asking want to entertain. However, the alternative of not asking and not knowing what we are dealing with is so much greater than you would want to imagine.When we keep our heads in the sand, hoping all will be well, we make it worse. When we keep our blinders on, we give ourselves by default three options: lose your life, lose your health and/or lose your children.On the other hand, if we know what we are dealing with, we are in a much better position to effect change in our intimate relationship and maintain long-term protection of our lives, our health and our children.If you are questioning this prediction, turn on 48 Hours and you will see before you have watched three programs in a row, one will be on intimate partner homicide or some scenario related to the other unfortunate outcomes I’ve suggested. And the investigative reporters will be questioning: what made him/her do that?Bite the bullet and ask the most important question of your life: “Is this abuse?” And get the answer so you can best protect your life as you know it, your health as you have it, your family, your home, your job, your savings…yourself.Now the question is on the table and you may discover that the abuse specialists tell you one thing, the mental health professionals tell you another and law enforcement something else. So what is domestic abuse? When is it dangerous? Don’t drop the question. Your answer is within.And if you recoil from posing the question even though it is on your mind, than ask yourself why you chose not to know. That is as good a starting point as any.You are the author of your own destiny. You are the scientist of your own investigation. It is your life and the answers are for you to know. They are within.

©Copyright 2007 Dr. Jeanne King Consultants, LLC www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com All Rights Reserved.

This article is available for reprint so long as the author’s copyright, bio byline and contact URL are included.



Kansieo.com

Su Ericksen asked:


How many times have you found yourself in an argument you didn’t want to be in? You were somehow drug into an argument about something you couldn’t care less about, and now you don’t know how to get out of it and move on.

There are three fundamental elements to effective verbal self defense:

First, listening without leaping to conclusions. That takes practice! Often when people start talking to us our mind is zooming off on its own tangent- predicting the next words before they are even out of their mouth.

Second, try to understand what’s really going on. When someone attacks you verbally, try to not react in the same manner. Stay calm, let it roll off of you. Is this someone familiar to you who just had a bad day? Or is it some one who is a chronic verbal abuser?

Third, know how to respond. The three standard responses are: Attacking back, pleading, debating. These are all strategic errors.

Verbal abusers fall into two categories:

1. Klutzes: They are ignorant of any other way to communicate with people.

2. They are desperate for attention and use this method to engage people.

Knowing this your reaction can change from reactionary anger to compassion. You don’t have to like the person, but at least you should be less interested in arguing with them.

What should your response be? Walking away or even ignoring them will not discourage them. Either way they feel that they have won and they will be back for more.

When they start and argument, don’t take the bait! Perhaps it starts like this, “Why do you always take the last can of pop from the fridge and I have to drink warm pop and refill the fridge?” (By the way, this is often a perception they have since they are not inconvenienced when they do it to you).

Make your answer totally impersonal. Do not make eye contact. Keep your voice an even mono tone as if you are distracted. Come back with: “That is so annoying.” Or “No one wants to drink warm pop”. If you can think of a long boring story, even better! “I think it has something to do with something that happened to me as a kid. We had this refrigerator that didn’t have a lot of room. It was the ugliest green color you ever saw, but my mom loved that color……….” And keep going on until they get tired of listening and wander off.

The message you are delivering is that you know they want to argue, but you are not interested in that game.

Verbal Self Defense to Avoid Violence

Say you are confronted by an adult bully threatening to beat you to a pulp for some minor infraction. There are things you need to understand about this kind of person. Violence is an option for him. He is not a stranger to violence as you hopefully are. These people are trapped in their own little world of warped perceptions, chronic anger and paranoia. They are obsessed by what other people think of them. They cannot show weakness. They are hyper-sensitive to insults and loss of respect.

You must try to de-escalate the situation by following these three rules:

Do not challenge him.

Do not insult him

Give him a face saving exit

This may involve apologizing and graveling, but remember you are doing it so it won’t involve blood. If you have managed to talk your way out of the situation, do not try to get in the last word!

Verbal self defense does not mean taking your opponent down with words, it means using words to get out of situations safely.



Caffeinated Content

Samson Omotosho, PhD, APRN/PMHN asked:


Abuse & Violence in the Family

(Dr. Samson Omotosho, PhD, APRN/PMHN)

Introduction: Abuse and violence in the family refer to physically and emotionally harmful behaviors that occur between family and household members. It includes child abuse, child neglect, intimate partners abuse and violence, marital rape, and elder abuse. It could be a learned behavior that can be unlearned through therapy. Perpetrators try to isolate the family to keep it secret and avoid sanctions. They usually have some power and control over the other members of the family. They may rationalize the violence with their drug use. The use of cocaine, PCP, amphetamine etc may increase violent behavior.

Forms of Abuse: Physical abuse includes hitting, punching, shoving, stabbing, shooting, kicking, and withholding medication, wheelchair, food, and fluids. Sexual abuse includes coercion, marital rape, and withholding sex. Psychological abuse includes threat, harassment, and blackmail. Emotional abuse includes name-calling, insults, and ridicule. Economic abuse includes total control over finance, running up bills, forbidding school or work.

Myths and Reality About Violence: Family violence occurs at all levels of society. Separation or divorce may not end violence. Abuser does not need to be provoked. Some survivors wrongly tend to blame self. Treat the violence but also the alcohol, drug, stress, and mental health problems if any. Violence occurs between gays and lesbians too. Abused women are discouraged from disclosure by threats, fear, denial and disbelief expressed by ‘confidants’.

Models of Intervention: The Paternalistic model assumes that the clinician has more knowledge than the patient; that the survivor is responsible for ending the violence; that the clinician should give advice and sympathy; and see the patient as a victim. Whereas, the Empowerment model, which is better, assumes that the clinician should mutually share knowledge with the patient, plan strategies with the patient, respect patient’s competence, experience and strengths, and see the patient as survivor.

Response of Survivors to Violence: Physical signs include injuries at multiple sites in various stages of healing (head, neck, face, throat, sexual organs), headache, insomnia, and stress. Behavioral sign is that the individual does not leave the abuser or leaves and returns before making a final break. Psychological signs include delayed reaction, depression, lowered self esteem, attributions e.g. self-blame, impaired school or work performance and conduct, poor concentration and poor problem solving.

Why Individual Does Not Leave the Abuser? Abused individuals do not leave the abuser for any of many reasons, which include fear of being stalked and killed (which is a realistic fear), strong emotional attachment to the abuser, determination to end the abuse, sanctions present in the couple’s culture, fear of stigma, lack of resources to live away from the abuser, and consideration of what will happen to her children if she leaves. She may leave and return, thinking, “Maybe he will change”.

Child Abuse & Neglect: In every state, child abuse and neglect are must be reported. Types of abuse include child sexual abuse, child physical abuse, child emotional abuse, and child neglect. Child that witnesses family violence may also suffer abuse.

Child Sexual Abuse: This is the involvement of children in sexual activities that they do not fully comprehend and to which they do not or cannot freely give consent. This violates child’s trust in the adult that is supposed to protect him/her. Threat to the child, pet, and others keeps the child quiet. It results in confusion, shame, and helplessness. Its effect may last a lifetime and affect mental health. It may be guarded as a family secret.  

Observable Signs of Sexual Abuse: The observable signs of child sexual abuse include physical aggression, excessive masturbation, social withdrawal, low self esteem, impaired school performance, sleep disturbance, STD’s, bleeding, soreness, itching, UTI, pregnancy, bruises, swelling, redness, fracture, burns, and unkempt appearance.

School Violence: School violence is usually due to child drug use, child’s access to guns, antisocial and impulsive behaviors, family dysfunction, community unresponsiveness, interpersonal disputes, and bullying and harassment by peers.

Child Abduction: Most abduction is done by a parent. 70% are by fathers, 25% by their mothers. Parents that are likely to abduct include those that have threatened or attempted it in the past, suspect abuse by the other parent, may be paranoid, may intend to use it as revenge, punishment, trophy, or one that strongly believes that child be raised in his or her home country.

Child Abuse Assessment and Intervention: Explore and be aware of your own attitude to abuse survivors so as not to be judgmental. Do a thorough history & physical assessment. Use private, quiet uninterrupted environment. Honestly state the purpose of the interview. Inform victim of the pending physical assessment. Use a calm and supportive approach

If possible, interview child separately first before joint interview with parent or guardian. Pay attention to child’s affect (look) and behavior, mother’s understanding of the problem, discrepancies in their stories, and parent’s emotional responses. Document your assessment fully. Report suspected abuse to CPS. Coordinate services such as further assessment, psychological testing, individual psychotherapy, family psychotherapy, and group psychotherapy.

Intimate Partner Violence (IPV): IPV is a pattern of coercive and assaultive behavior between intimate and dating partners. Abuse of female partners is the more prevalent IPV. Female violence is more often in self-defense. Many IPV end in homicide or homicide-suicide. Leaving or an attempt to leave by the victim increases homicide risk. There is a higher homicide risk with handgun, history of suicidal ideation or attempt, battering during pregnancy, sexual abuse, substance use, extreme jealousy, and controlling behavior (“if I can’t have you, no one can”). Few women kill their abusers if there is no intervention. Assessment of IPV should be part of mental health assessment. Ask partners about history of conflicts, “pushing and shoving”, and quality of relationship. Observe for hesitation, looking away, and unease. Be supportive, let victim know she is not alone. Describe and map the extent of injuries. Assess for attribution e.g. self-blame. Assess for depression, PTSD, and anxiety. If patient is the abuser, assess potential for further violence. Consult legal advisor for “Duty to Warn”. Courts have made it mandatory abusers (happens to be mostly men) to be treated. Treatment includes confronting the violence, affirming that responsibility lies with the abuser, behavior therapy, anger control, attitude change to women, couple counseling, and cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). Empower the woman, using laws, community resources, support groups, and safe shelters. Mutually set goals with the victim. Mutually consider and choose from options. Help mobilize natural, social and professional supports.

Rape and Sexual Assault: This affects men, women and children, especially women and children. Sexual assault is a forced act of sexual contact without consent. It is usually done to humiliate, defile or dominate the victim. Rape is a felony, yet majority is unreported. Survivors of marital rape do not seek care because of embarrassment and humiliation. Careful assessment and questioning is needed. In caring for the victim, listen, be nonjudgmental, and provide emotional support. Document your observation and assessment fully. Help collect evidence if patient chooses to litigate. In the acute stage, assess for fear, disorganization, shock, and restlessness. In the second stage, assess for flashbacks, phobias to places and people, and sexual difficulties. Encourage the victim to discuss feelings. Explore options e.g. changing phone number. Explore available community services and support groups. Refer for physical treatment and psychotherapy. Plan for a follow-up phone contact in a few days.

Elder Abuse: There are about 5 million abused elderly persons in the US annually. Spouse abuse overlaps with elder abuse

The abused does not report for fear of being abandoned to a nursing home or being isolated. Signs include bruises on arms, wrists, ankles, face lacerations, vaginal lacerations, fractures, malnutrition, poor hygiene, dehydration, flinching and shrinking away in the presence of abuser. Help and care include reporting a suspected abuse to the Adult Protective Services (APS), counseling, psychotherapy, substance abuse and treatment of the abuser, if necessary.

Reference: Stuart, G. W. & Laraia, M. T. (2005). Principles and practice of psychiatric nursing (8th ed.). St. Louis, MO: Elsevier Mosby.

 



Kansieo.com

Margaret Paul, Ph.d. asked:


Our society is filled with verbal and emotional abuse, from radio and TV commentators and presidential candidates, to parents, educators, employers and managers. As Patricia Evans states in “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”, the old adage, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me,” is not at all true. Just as physical abuse is wounding the to body, verbal abuse is deeply wounding to the soul.

If you grew up in a verbally and/or emotionally abusive family, you might not realize when you are being abusive and when you are being abused.

Behind verbal and emotional abuse is always about a desire to control the other person - to have power over the other’s feelings and actions.

Verbal abuse includes:

? Being Irritable, impatient, and argumentative

? Blaming anger, unpredictable anger, hostility, explosiveness, jealousy

? Blaming the other for the abuser’s behavior

? Demanding, ordering

? Being critical and judgmental

Verbal abuse is also emotionally abusive, but emotional abuse may not look verbally abusive. Often emotional abuse is more subtle and covert than overt verbal abuse.

Emotional abuse includes:

? Lack of empathy

? Withholding and withdrawing

? Defining another with seeming kindness: “Honey, You’re just a bad driver”

? Discounting another’s feelings and opinions

? Being nice to others but not to a partner

? Being competitive

? Acting like the victim

? Quick come-backs or joking put-downs

It is vitally important for people at the other end of verbal or emotional abuse to understand that you DO NOT CAUSE AN ABUSER TO BE ABUSIVE, and that there is no excuse or justification for any form of abuse.

Once you understand that you do not cause abusers to be abusive, perhaps you can also understand that there is nothing you can do to have control over getting an abuser to see or understand what he or she is doing, or how hurtful it is to you, or to understand your point of view. There is no way of having a rational discussion because, when someone is deeply attached to having power and control over another, they don’t WANT to understand or work it out.

Abuse comes from feeling very powerless, from not being able to handle fear, loneliness, heartache, and helplessness over others. Abusers want to have control over getting others to do what they want so they don’t have to feel their painful feelings. Trying to talk things out is often the last thing they want to do. They just want to win - to have their way. However, there are things you can do to not be a victim of verbally abusive behavior. (Physical abuse is another matter. It is imperative to find a way to leave a relationship that is physically dangerous to you or your children.)

Patricia Evans, in the above-mentioned book, states that what abusers really want is connection. Because they are so disconnected from themselves - from their own feelings and from a spiritual source of comfort and guidance - they are desperate to connect with another person. But for them connection is more like ownership, rather than authentic connection based on mutuality and caring. When you engage with an abuser through explaining, defending, trying to understand, or complying, you are giving the abuser what he or she wants - some level of connection. It’s important to recognize that, while you are never causing an abuser to abuse, you might be feeding the abuse with your response.

If you are in a relationship with a verbal/emotional abuser and you are not ready to leave the relationship, you might want to try NOT connecting at ALL with the abuser when there is any level of abuse. By completely disengaging from any abusive interaction, or at the most saying an incredulous, “What?” (which Evans recommends in “Controlling People”) and then disengaging by singing a “happy song” (a simple song that you sing in your mind to stop thinking about the interaction), you might have a chance of stopping the cycle of abuse.

The challenge in taking this action in your own behalf is to learn to disengage both physically and energetically - which is why singing your happy song is so important. Singing moves you out of your programmed reactive left-brain wounded self and into your spiritually-connected right-brain, energetically stopping your engagement in the interaction.

While disengaging in this way doesn’t guarantee that your relationship will heal, it may be the only possibility you have other than leaving. Perhaps it worth a try!



Website content

melvin polatnick asked:


Most men have been physically or emotionally abused by women. They are more likely to be hurt by women then injured in any other way. But due to the mindset of influential people this fact is ignored and seldom discussed in the media. A victimized male who registers a complaint is called a wimp and is treated with disrespect. A man is supposed to stand his ground and be in a more powerful position than a woman but this has proven to be impossible. Women have obtained so much power that most men have become their slaves.

The most common method used by women to abuse a man a man is by enslaving him. They do this best by having his child. He is forced by law to support that child or go to prison. In most cases the man chooses to live with the women and tries to become a good father and provider. If the man does not meet her expectations she will punish him severely. Many men have been beaten with weapons and are constantly being verbally abused. A man has little choice but to accept that punishment and try to meet her demands. In most cases he cannot afford to leave because he has the legal responsibility to continue supporting her and the child.

The free dinner obtained by single women paid for by lonely men is the most popular form of abuse. Many women use dating services and personal advertisements for the purpose of getting a free full course dinner in an expensive restaurant. They are called: “Dinner Hookers” by men who have dated them. I have heard women comparing notes about the way they have bilked men out of everything from jewelry to expensive vacations. They laugh and are proud of their accomplishments. The victim of this type of abuse is usually an honest and lonely man that is trying to make a romantic connection. The predator salivates at a naïve mans vulnerability and does everything in her power to empty his pockets. Not all women should be condemned for the faults of the greedy ones. There are good women available. Also there is nothing wrong with a man picking up the tab for a sincere woman, but not for a woman that is interested in nothing but a free ride.

There are many that defend the cunning, shrewd, and selfish woman. They say that nature designed her to be that way so she can provide for her children. But the main goal of the average women is her pleasure and security. She is forced by the law to feed, clothe, and educate her children. Some are only interested in drugs and alcohol or desert their families and are unfit mothers. They waste money needed for the children on fancy clothing and expensive cosmetics. An honest and reliable husband that objects to such wanton behavior will often be physically abused by this kind of woman and if he complains to anyone about his treatment he will be called a wimp.

The only defense a man has against an abusive woman is by keeping his distance. The law and public opinion are on her side. A women’s word is believed no matter what her background is. She can abuse you in any way she desires and get away with it. Nobody will believe your side of the story. A woman can get caught cheating on her husband and little is said, but if a man gets caught he will never hear the end of it. If a man forgets to get a birthday gift for his women all hell will break loose. A mans birthday is celebrated by a fifty cent card if he is lucky. The restaurants are packed on mother’s day and empty on father’s day. If a man wants to stay home and watch a ball game on his day off he is called a couch potato. His love making is criticized as being too cold or too hot. He is sure to develop an inferiority complex. These are only a few of the ways men are being abused by women.

There is no advantage for a man to have children. Life is full of a million other things to do. Men have a right to devote as much time as they likes in the pursuit of pleasure. The company of women is one of those pleasures but it can also become a painful experience. But there are ways to help you get the most out of your relationships and avoid the pain. Getting a vasectomy is one of them. It will guarantee that you will remain childless. The procedure only takes thirty minutes. After a vasectomy, a man still has erections and ejaculates. The amount of fluid in his ejaculations is not different, except there is no sperm. The fluid looks and smells the same. A man’s hormones, beard, and voice do not change. His sex drive and ability to have sex do not change. The only change is that he cannot make a woman pregnant. No women will be able to claim that you are the father of her child and hold you hostage for child support. The money you earn will be all yours.

Men as well as women are self seeking and once you understand that you will less likely be a victim of abuse. Never give more than you get in a relationship because your kindness will be understood as weakness or naivety. Always remember that you are both entitled to respect. If you don’t get any it is time to break off. Self acceptance is the greatest defense against a partner that tries to degrade or humiliate you. If you are not comfortable with yourself you will be open for abuse and you will get it. A good relationship is always possible and if you get one hold on tight.

melviiin1@verizon.net



Website content

Nick Johnson asked:


Verbal abuse in a nursing home is abuse, no matter which way you want to look at it. Yelling, name calling, degrading comments, and derogatory remarks all constitute abuse. There is no denying that people, whether elderly or young, can be frustrating, and we all want to yell at people from time to time. However, it’s detrimental to the sense of safety of others, and thus it classifies as nursing home abuse.

A nursing home lawsuit can be filed with the aid of a lawyer in the event of verbal abuse, whether it is witnessed or reported. Residents who have accidents or who are feisty and cantankerous are most likely to suffer from verbal abuse.

Regardless of a resident’s behavior, there is no excuse for verbally lashing out. Nobody wants to spend their time in a nursing home. We are all secretly fearful that it may one day happen to us. Would we want to be yelled at for venting our frustrations? Of course not.

Verbal abuse can be just as detrimental as physical abuse. Signs of verbal abuse include a heightened sense of sensitivity, fear, pleading with loved ones not to complain about conditions or incidents, and sudden sullen and withdrawn behaviors. Verbal abuse, even if it is simply a suspicion, should be reported equally as fast as physical abuse.

If you are by chance a witness to verbal abuse, write down exactly what you heard said and who said it, and call a nursing home abuse lawyer right away. They can guide you through the next steps and the case will most likely lead to a lawsuit. Verbal abuse dose not have to happen regularly to be reported.

If you witnessed a staff member break the arm of an elderly resident, would you hesitate to call someone for help? Why then would it be any different with verbal abuse? A nursing home lawsuit may still be just as necessary to help the victim move into a better facility. There is no behavior of a frustrated and angry elderly individual that warrants any type of abusive response from a well trained staff.

These are simple concepts, however it is remarkable how often people do not file reports about verbal abuse. Verbal nursing home abuse is still illegal and isn’t any better than pushing an old woman out of the way.

A lawyer is a good representative of fair and even guidance in the event of verbal abuse. Calling a nursing home abuse lawyer can often open up avenues and remedies and legal options that you didn’t even realize the victim would have.

That is why they recommend calling a lawyer right away. It is amazing the resources that are out there that victims of abuse are completely unaware of, and family members need to be able to step up on behalf of their loved ones. Even if you witnessed verbal nursing home abuse with another resident, do you honestly think that your loved one isn’t privy to the same treatment?

Even if they won’t admit it to you, they may very well be more comfortable telling the tales of verbal abuse to a competent and sensitive lawyer or counselor, as residents of nursing homes often feel they are already too much trouble.

However, sometimes presented with a caring lawyer or counselor, they are able to open up honestly. With their admission, a lawsuit can be filed and the facility can be held accountable for their actions. Often a lawsuit is the only thing that can hold a facility accountable for its actions. Threats are empty, as they have heard them all before. Legal action speaks much more loudly.

It can be very difficult for the victim of verbal nursing home abuse to recognize that they are the victim of abuse and that they have legal rights. A nursing home abuse lawyer can help explain this to them and help them feel more comfortable with the process. After all, they have already suffered through enough.

Victims need advocates more than anything, and as family members or friends, you are their best hope for a fair and safer life. Don’t hesitate to report verbal nursing home abuse.



Website content

Jeanne King, Ph.D. asked:


We assume that a problem affecting two people in a relationship is material for marital or couples therapy. However, when the problem is intimate partner violence, this is absolutely not so!

I longed for my children’s father, my ex-husband, to stop his violent outbursts toward our family. The psychologist/doctor/family peacemaker in me said, “We just need to find the ‘right’ person or method to help fix this problem,” as though he had some physical aliment. This may sound familiar to those of you who have been there. Altercation after altercation drove me to desperately seek a referral from my pediatrician and from my obstetrician.

It was suggested that we see an “abuse therapist,” who was actually a marriage and family therapist. My professional background was in bio-behavioral medicine, so I was in foreign territory and eventually found out we were in the wrong therapy for the outcome I desired.

Marital therapy, couples therapy and family therapy are improper treatment scenarios to effect therapeutic change for domestic abuse. The problem is that these interventions are based on a family systems perspective in which the goal of the treatment is to maintain the homeostasis of the system.

Working from a systems approach, the therapist seeks to distribute responsibility for the pathology across the system. However, spreading the responsibility for battering in relationships equally to all parties in the relationship reinforces the abuse dynamic. It explicitly and/or implicitly blames the victim for the perpetrator’s behavior, and fails to promote personal accountability for the battering behavior by the abusive partner.

While this may keep the couple and family together, it does not—and cannot—end the battering. To the contrary, it exacerbates battering: emotional abuse, verbal abuse and physical abuse. Some clinicians view this method of treatment in domestic violence cases not only as ineffective in stopping domestic abuse, but also as dangerous for the victimized partner. That was certainly my experience. The altercations increased in frequency and in intensity—from verbal licks and emotional assaults to bruises, welts, fists and belts.

As a domestic violence survivor, my hope is that you seek appropriate intervention if intimate partner violence presents in your relationship. Many people, both healthcare and non-healthcare professionals, are unaware of the appropriate intervention for domestic abuse.

And even more alarming: few healthcare providers have a systematic method for assessing partner/spousal abuse (intimate partner violence). Without proper assessment, one could be treating your problem in the dark.

If you are indeed dealing with intimate partner violence, look to find a domestic abuse victim advocacy program and a batterer’s intervention program. These approaches treat battering similarly to the way addiction interventions treat substance abuse: that is, as the responsibility of the abuser. Until an intimate partner abuser is held accountable, domestic abuse continues over time, and is passed down throughout generations.

If your are not sure if your relationship abuse problems are actually that characteristic of intimate partner violence, then first look to determine if the abuse in your relationship fulfills the criteria for intimate partner violence. This way you will know what course of intervention to pursue in order to provide you with your desired outcome.

©Copyright 2007 Dr. Jeanne King Consultants, LLC www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com All Rights Reserved.

This article is available for reprint so long as the author’s copyright, bio byline and contact URL are included.

About the Author



Website content

Peter Gitundu asked:


Psychological Abuse, which is also known as emotional abuse is when a person harms another person through emotional or mental anguish which is psychologically harmful. People always say that “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”, but words do hurt people because there are different kinds of people in the world.

Emotional abuse is happening everywhere and there are various forms of it. Most common of these abuses would be work related abuse where you get shouted at all the time and end up getting stressed, which usually ends up turning for the worst where you end up becoming sick mentally as well as physically.

Another form of emotional abuse which is also common would be child abuse where you find the parents or parent has abused the child mentally and physically and you will probably not know it because the child will find a way to hide it and this child tends to grow up an abusive parent as well.

Other forms of abuse would be relationship abuse, bigotry, racial oppression and group psychological abuse. There is also community based harassment which is also referred to as stalking. It is important that if we see any form of psychological abuse happening that we try to intervene and stop it from going any further.

Many of the people who have suffered any form of psychological abuse can be healed by some form of psychiatric technique or by psychotherapy as long as they are given a safe haven and environment, where they can heal without any forms of abuse or stress. It does take longer for the older folks who are usually put in a quiet home to heal but in the long run it does help all.



Caffeinated Content - Members-Only Content for WordPress

Andy Smith asked:


I am a man of 54 years now. But despite seeing so many things in my life and experiencing all the emotions, I feel hurt when I am verbally abused. It is not that verbal abuse does not hurt. Some people think that verbal abuse can be easily forgotten and one may go forward. Yes, one goes forward but the scars of the wound inflicted by the verbal abuse go along with many of us. How about a child?

A child can be verbally abused in many ways. Children abusing each other with name calling etc. are common. But worse is verbal abuse by elders. Parents, relatives and teachers form part of this group in a child’s life. Many parents have set ideas about how a child should behave. If the child does not behave that away, the parents do not explain them the right way but make fun of them verbally. If such fun is made in presence of others the child’s psyche is hurt. The hurt may look very innocent but that makes a child feel insecure about themselves. The children lose faith in their own abilities. They learn wrong methods of behavior. I have seen some parents who verbally abuse their child in presence of the teacher. All the complaints they have about the child are made right in the presence of the teacher. This is a verbal thrashing. Somehow because the child cannot hit back, it is taken as granted by many adults that children can be verbally abused without hurting them. Adults feel good after verbally abusing them and feel that they know how to properly train a child. The facts are contrary. The child feels humiliated.

Whenever we talk to a child, we should put ourselves in their shoes and first think about how that will affect the child. Only after we are sure, we should speak to a child about sensitive issues. Verbally abusing a child is a crime in law, and also a bigger crime in the scheme of God.



Create a video blog…instantly.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW asked:


Psychological Abuse

Psychological abuse leaves the victim blaming herself and questioning her own perceptions over the behaviour of the abusive partner and it can start very insidiously.

Psychological abuse occurs when one’s feelings, thoughts, preferences, desires, needs, appearance or friendships are trivialized or made to appear inconsequential relative to the abuser’s. In other words, the abuser constructs the relationship and the world of the victim according to his terms and conditions over that of the abused and for his own gratification, which is often simply control over the abused.

To hold power over the abused, the abuser will resort to a number of tactics designed to hold her emotionally captive. To this end the abuser may lavish the abused with flattery and praise, complimenting her and making her feel remarkably indebted for the special, often overly generous attention. At the same time, the abuser may make the abused feel like she is the only person who understands him, or is special to him. Unfortunately, her significance to his well-being becomes a weapon to use against her later. If she tries to escape the relationship, he may then try to hold her emotionally hostage by positioning her as ungrateful for his special attention and hurtful to him when she is the only person in whom he can confide and gain support and understanding. Thus the grip of the abuser tightens and the abused feels guilty and/or ashamed for hurting or abandoning this fellow who has lavished her with such special attention.

If she seems to be escaping his grip, he may then resort to more sinister control strategies. He may place his well-being or his very life in her hands. He may threaten to hurt himself or even suicide if she leaves him. Thus now feeling overwhelmingly responsible for his welfare, she succumbs to his demands for an ever-exclusive relationship. He then becomes more prone to using negative and upsetting control strategies to maintain his grip, knowing that his threat of self-harm is now all that is necessary to maintain her compliance. She slowly feels her self-esteem erode. She is frightened and isolated. He has caused her to believe this is all her responsibility and the dynamics of the situation lead her to believe no one understands the uniqueness of her situation; that he is really a good person, if not for his current troubles and likely a troubled past, no fault of his own. She sinks deeper and deeper. School or work performance suffers. Depression and anxiety sets in and self-isolation escalates. She begins to feel suicidal and fully dependent upon the abuser to maintain a degraded self and he now does as he likes. He toys with her and the relationship. It can be off and on at his whim. He can cheat, lie, manipulate and steal and she is stuck with it lest her leaving give rise to his threat of self-harm.

In view of the abuse, her friends may try to warn her and may even threaten the abuser to cease his behaviour. Parents may find themselves in conflict with their daughter, recognizing her plight, but unable to convince her of the dynamics. After all, he started out so nice and he had his own issues, so he must love me underneath all of our problems and besides, I can’t leave him, because his welfare now rests on my shoulders.

Escaping such psychologically abusive clutches will likely require counselling. Counselling is aimed at helping the abused cognitively step back and process the situation, such that she may come to understand the nature of the relationship and the abuse. Further, counselling will be aimed at providing tools or strategies to help her extricate herself from the relationship even in view of the threats of harm imposed by the abuser. In other words, counselling is aimed at releasing the abused as hostage and helping her develop better boundaries to withstand the psychological manipulations of the abuser.

If your loved one or friend is in a psychologically abusive relationship and is resisting your help, then go with her to counselling. Don’t fight her as this only pits you against her and she will feel only more threatened, overwhelmed and then withdraw. Instead, seek to support her by understanding her fears the result his manipulations. In counselling, discuss your worries for her well-being without threatening her abusive relationship. She is already abused. Trying to control her more, even if truly in her interest is confrontational and may be inadvertently misconstrued as abusive and may erode an otherwise wholesome relationship.

Support, education, understanding and then the development of extrication strategies aimed at developing better boundaries is more the key to overcoming the psychologically abusive relationship.

Go gently. She has already been hurt.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

(905) 628-4847

gary@yoursocialworker.com

http://www.yoursocialworker.com

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique on a Section 112 (social work) report. Call him for your next conference and for expert opinion on family matters. Services include counselling, mediation, assessment, assessment critiques and workshops.



Caffeinated Content